Reviews

Review – Movie – Transformers

This is where I give my thoughts on the Transformers movie. Instead of regurgitating the same garbage about how great the special effects were and how it’s the “action movie of the year” and all. It’s a bumbling mess of a collection of random bull shit, much like this film franchise.

Yeah, great special effects. Things were integrated pretty seamlessly into the non CGI parts. The problem is that the action is so cluttered and messy you can’t tell what the hell is going on 90% of the time. Robots engage in combat and instead of getting shots of the fight we get a down on the street view of their feet. They roll around doing… something… to each other but we can’t tell what they are doing or who is winning the fight. Seriously, loose about 75% of the shrapnel in the fight scenes.

I did enjoy the film. Mind you. Now, where to start. I’ve made a relatively random list here so I’ll just go with that. This isn’t organized in any particular order and it will contain SPOILERS so don’t read if you care about that sort of thing.

For starters, Bumblebee. He talks through his radio. I read somewhere that part of the reason they couldn’t make him a VW bug was because he’d be considered a rip off of Herbie. I certainly got a very strong Herbie vibe from that Camero before it started doing its Transforming thing. Also, they never explain WHY his voice box doesn’t work, Ratchet just mentions that “He’s been working on it”. The suggestion around the web is that Megatron damaged it but that doesn’t really fit with the plot considering Megs has been frozen on Earth for tens of thousands of years. I’d find it more plausible that he’s been hanging around alone on Earth for so long he’s simply forgotten how to talk.

Also the voice magically becomes repaired at the end of the film. Bumblebee’s had his feet lopped off and gets pointlessly dragged around the city by a chick in a tow truck and suddenly he can talk. I guess Ratchet found time to make repairs that he’s neglected to do for ten thousand plus years while in the middle of a crucial and large scale battle.

Yeah.

Anyway, someone should point out to the writers that Wreckgar is the one who spoke via TV and radio clips, not Bumblebee.

Then there’s Frenzy, probably the bot with the most screen time, second maybe to Bumblebee. I liked him a lot actually. The CD boom box is a good nod towards Soundwave as well. Were those ninja stars he was throwing made out of CDs? Pretty slick there. Still, he wasn’t very menacing. The larger bots can throw tanks and have impenetrable armor. Granted Frenzy is smaller and this likely a bit more delicate in design, but why is it he can’t rip the humans to shreds in seconds just by jumping on him. Particularly while he was fighting with Sam in that field. I guess one could argue that they wanted Sam alive so they could interrogate him but he can still talk with his legs disabled preventing a getaway.

Speaking of Frenzy, the creators of this film claim they didn’t use Soundwave because they didn’t want to use Mass Shifting. That is, where a large bot turns into a small device. Somehow though Frenzy is allowed to not only grow a huge spider body from his disembodied head but then later he can compact that body AND his head down to the size of a cell phone. Don’t even get me started on the Matrix Cube thing. Size of large house down to a one foot cube? And we can’t have Soundwave?

Oh yes, the cube. It’s generally only ever referred to as “The Cube”. This is synonymous with “Random Plot Device”. It’s generic and ends up being very Deus Ex Machina. It’s generally unclear as to what it is, Prime vaguely mentions the Matrix being in his chest, so it’s not that. It’s primary power is to creat advertising from random things. Like turning Mountain Dew machines and Nokias into killer robots and getting a whole slew of Autobots and Decepticons to turn the first 60 minutes of the film into an eBay advertisement.

It’s basically plot device to give the giant robots an excuse to fight. Then, due to some sort of genius I can’t even begin to fathom, it becomes a plot device to allow giant robots to tear apart a city. Let’s see, we’re the military, we need to protect this “The Cube” thing. The Decepticons are attacking our base, the one inside a dam in the middle of nowhere. How shall we handle this situation. I know, let’s put the cube in a sports car with a kid. Then, and this is the bet part, we’ll drive it to the center of a large heavily populated area!

BRILLIANT!

Let’s endanger the lives of millions of innocents! Instead of engaging in combat say, in the middle of the desert! The desert is hot and dry and uncomfortable, the city is full of product placement.

Then, the plan gets even better here. After getting to the city. We’ll make the kids carry the “The Cube” across several city blocks and up into a tall building where helicopters will pick him up and take him away (never mind that two of the Decepticons can fly and will tear and helicopter to shreds in seconds).

Also, while in route to the city, we’ll not question why we’re suddenly being escorted by a hodgepodge of trucks and cars and semis and tanks.

This is where the bulk of the Decepticons show up. Pretty much out of nowhere but as my wife pointed out, they were all military vehicles. The implication was that the were evil and had infiltrated our military a lot without us even knowing. Good theory and I’m going with that. Brawl gets called Devestator for some reason during the one and only mention of who these guys are. When you hear reports that the Decepticons have zero characterization they are not exaggerated. At least the Autobots got ranks and functions and a few lines. Bonecrusher literally appears for the sole purpose of getting killed by Prime (and to sell out of scale toys). That scene in the trailer where he destroys the bus is like 50% of his on screen tine.

Brawl gets a bit more screen time since he gets to be a major player in the city fight that shortly follows. Blackout is about the level as Brawl except all of his good fighting scenes are at the movie’s opening. Barricade actually gets some lines and I’m pretty sure survives for the sequel. Megatron escapes from captivity and jabbers wit Starscream a bit but Megatron’s comments about failure completely without context and is meaningless in the film. I really wanted Starscream to swoop in and screw up Megatron’s attempts to take the cube from Sam on the roof top. I really wanted him to be traitorous, he was right there watching.

sadly, he did nothing.

Instead he just gets saved by Prime from a fall. One thing I’ll never get in movies is how people survive from falling great heights just because they get caught. Guess what, falling 20 stories onto the concrete isn’t going to be much different than falling 10 stories onto the hard metal plates that make up the hand of a giant robot.

As for the Autobots. Their characterization also comes entirely from their introductions with the exception of Bumblebee. Jazz is some sort of hip hop break dancer robot with a lot of bad ass potential who gets killed way to quickly. Ironhide wants to kill everything with his big guns but can’t because “he’s a good guy and good guys don’t kill parents and Chihuahuas. Ratchet is the team’s medic who is apparently completely inept at actually medic-ing anything since he can’t fix Bumblebee’s voice, nor is he around to repair Bumblebee’s detached feet, nor is he capable of repairing Jazz.

I can ALMOST forgive the Jazz thing since Jazz has been ripped in two but Frenzy was able to live on as a head alone so I’m less inclined to go that route.

Bumblebee is a the bumbling but noble screw up that means well.

Prime is a bit of a confusing mess of characterization. On one hand, he’s a pretty smart and rational leader type. He’s powerful and such. On the other hand, he strikes me as a bit of an idiot in one particular scene. That is of course, the backyard scene.

This whole scene was generally lame and seemed way out of place. The Autobots are trying to hide from Sam’s parents. Instead of staying put in the alley, they get impatient and go troop around Sam’s backyard destroying things and causing Sam’s parents to think there are Earthquakes. What was the point of all of this other than the make the Autobots seem like a bunch of impatient children who can’t listen? Why is Sam so concerned about his parents seeing the Autobots? They won’t believe him? And was that stupid Masturbation joke really necessary? Kids are going to see this.

Speaking of kids seeing this. As funny as it was, Bumblebee’s pissing scene was possibly one of the stupidest scenes in movie history. Seriously. You just got through doing jokes about dog pee and leaking lubricant. Do we really need to have a giant robot “pee” on the federal agent? With the camera on the viewpoint of the federal agent? Actually this scene is likely symbolic of the movie’s creators pissing on the audience.

HA HA, WATCH US PISS ON YOU BECAUSE YOU’LL LOVE ANYTHING!

Review – Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow (GBA)

Jan 21st, 2007

by Ramen Junkie.

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Ah yes, Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow. Things finally start to come together for out portable Castlevania titles. This one is set pretty far in the future compared to most of the other Castlevania games so the overall styling is a bit of a treat as well, well, it could have been…

The Belmonts are pretty much the heroes of the Castlevania series but really there’s probably as many if not more games NOT starring
Belmonts than there are games with them. This game is one of those games, starring the fruitiest hero of any game in the series, Soma Cruz. Even is name is ridiculous. Instead of a cape he wears a long white trench coat. At least it’s not black like some Matrix wannabe.

Still, the fruity hero thing worked in the best game of the series, and it works pretty well here. In fact this is the closest we’ve gotten to Symphony of the Night on the GBA. The best aspect is the ability to switch weapons. There’s even a gun weapon however it doesn’t appear until the end of the game, it’s slow to fire, and generally sucks. You’d think for a game set in modern times the weaponry would be a bit more… modern. Of course that would take the sword slashing fun out of things.

Like its predecessors, this game features a customizable power up system. This one centers on collecting souls of monsters. Each soul causes different things to happen, usually dependant on the monster it was collected from. For example, collecting a bat soul will allow you to emit sonar attacks. You can equip several different souls at a time, one of each type. Some are always active, others you activate manually. The souls are used rather cleverly to find the “real ending”. You’ll have to use a specific set of souls in order to achieve the true ending.

The plot for this game is also quite a bit divergent from the previous games. You see, in 2023, when the game is set, Dracula is dead. Like dead dead. You’re character is called to Dracula’s castle and as he absorbs souls, be becomes consumed by the desire to become the “new Dracula”. Soma will have to over come this or face off against Julius Belmont in order to save himself. Of course killing the
Belmont means becoming the new master of the castle. Yeah, who knew such a flakey guy could be so sinister.

Plot nuances aside, the game play on this title is rock solid. It’s not quite as good as Symphony but it comes in a pretty close second. The castle is large and interesting, the enemies are closer to their more traditional selves after Harmony’s oddball designs. Control is good, the soul system is much better than the DSS and magic books of the previous two GBA titles.

Best yet, there’s a decent sequel waiting for you when you finish this one, though Dawn of Sorrow will require a DS to play. Chances are you’re only going to find this game in the double pack with Harmony but either way, alone or doubled up, it’s still worth the price of purchase.

Review – Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin (NDS)

Dec 22nd, 2006

by Ramen Junkie.

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If you’d have suggested to me twenty years ago I’d be a Castlevania fan I’d have laughed in your face. I have zero interest in the whole Gothic Horror genre, I dislike the soul crushing difficulty of the NES games, and frankly, the whole Dracula thing is kind of derivative.

Then I played Symphony of the Night on the recommendation of pretty much everyone in alt.games.final-fantasy. Ok, I purchased it at the Greatest Hits price then it sat on me game shelf until halfway through college. Eventually I needed something to play so I picked it up.

Now I’ve purchased the latest Castlevania game on a pre-order that I placed the day they announced it (and it’s 20^th Anniversary bundle). Frustratingly I still have not gotten my bonus pack. I’m planning on bitching to Gamestop corporate, for what it’s worth to try and get one. You see, the store claims their shipment was damaged by UPS. I came in the day the game was released to ensure I’d get my game and bonus, and here I am, weeks later, without. I already hate Gamestop in general, this doesn’t help.

But this is not a complaint on Gamestop nor a praise on Symphony of the Night. This is a review of Castlevania Portrait of Ruin for the Nintendo DS. I’ve played the three Game Boy Advance Castlevanias but I’ve not had the chance to play Dawn of Sorrow.

Because I like giving the punch line before the joke, I’ll tell you Portrait of Ruin is an excellent game. You can go away now if you’d like unless you’d like to hear me rattle on about why.

The gimmick of Portrait of Ruin is coupling. You get two different playable character in the main monde and two of the three bonus modes. This isn’t your straight “pick a player” set up though, you get control of both characters at once. If you prefer (I do) you can sent the other person away and tag team in and out at will. If you’re especially skilled the second player can be controlled via the touch screen. Good luck at that one however unless you’re some sort of three armed mutant. Let’s see, Portrait of Ruin, N64 Controller, I see a trend. Maybe there is something we don’t know about the Japanese.

Each pairing features a physical based character and a magic based character. For the main game you play as Jonathan Morris and Charlotte Aulin. You may recognize the name John Morris from the Genesis Castlevania: Bloodlines. This game is essentially a direct sequel to Bloodlines, but you don’t play as John, you play as Jonathan, John’s son. There are however ties to Castlevania X (to which Symphony of the Night was a direct sequel to) through the Vampire Killer Whip. You must fight to restore the Whip’s power late in the game and face the “Last Belmont to Wield the Whip”. Confused yet? I’m pretty sure there were a few references to the plot of the Dawn/Aria of Sorrow combo in there was well but I’m not certain. Basically this whole timeline is actually a bit more coherent than it would appear to be.

Charlotte on the other hand has no real relation to anyone. Truthfully the two characters just act as an arbitrary separation of magic and physical attacks. It does help add a few interesting story bits. My style of gameplay had me using Jonathan more than Charlotte however. Mostly I used her for the combo “Dual Crush” super attacks. I’ve heard other people report opposite styles of gameplay however. The transition is well done between the two characters and the computer AI controlling Player two when on screen is decent enough.

My chief complain with this game are the bosses. The game in general is fairly easy until you get to a boss. Almost all of them have attacks that will wipe you right out before you even realize what’s happening. This can be quite frustrating. However the End Boss actually doesn’t have this problem. In most Castlevania games I’ve actually had trouble defeating Dracula and his final form but this game was definitely the easiest Dracula ever. You even face off against Dracula plus a partner enemy. The irony is that the enemy Dracula teams up with is probably the hardest boss in the game when you fight him alone.

Oh right, in case you didn’t know, Dracula is at the end of pretty much every Castlevania game. Often in current games he’s hidden behind one or two “bad endings”. This game is no exception though considering that you’re map isn’t complete in the bad ending and there is a huge “mystery barrier” it should be pretty obvious to anyone that you’re not done if you think killing the Sisters is the end of the game.

Speaking of completing the game, after doing so you’ll unlock bonus modes. You can play through with a “New Game +” feature using Jonathan and Charlotte, or play through as the Sisters. Or, if you’ve unlocked the Vampire Killer, you can play as Richter and Maria. Richter mode is especially fun. His ability to crush enemies easily makes it extremely quick. I spent roughly 15 hours my first play through getting 100% on everything (I’m still not quite done yet). I’ve played MAYBE an hour on Richter mode and I’m already nearly halfway through.

There is also the touch screen heavy “Sisters Mode”. This mode actually serves as a bit of a prologue sequence where you play through as the game’s two Sister characters. However gameplay is drastically different and almost entirely touch screen based. The only buttons you use are the control pad and the L button to switch characters. The Magic based sister constantly attacks anywhere you touch on the screen, the physical based sister allows you to slash enemies with your stylus. It’s pretty neat and is a good use of the touch screen. It’s also different enough to give incentive to play through it and the prologue story is a nice bonus.

These bonus modes are great and really go to increase the replay value. What also helps a bit with replay value are the Boss Rush and Multiplayer Modes. Boss Rush isn’t anything new to the series though I find this game’s version of it more entertaining than previous games for some unknown reason. The Multiplayer is essentially a two player version of the Boss Rush. This can be good and bad depending on who you get matched with. Nintendo’s WiFi Multiplayer has not been it’s strong suit so far.

The Multiplayer also includes a shop mode. Essentially you can buy things from other players. It’s neat because it can allow you to get quest drops early and more easily, but annoying in overall interface. The WiFi takes forever to connect and you can only make one connection before having to reconnect. The reconnect is especially annoying when selling. It would be great if you could leave your shop open say, while charging the DS. Wake up and become instantly rich. I have noticed however that more than one person can connect to a shop at a time. At least once I met another player, though the game allows zero interaction.

My other complaint is the bonus “Nest of Evil” zone. It’s essentially the “Area of really hard enemies that have to be beat before leaving the area”. Sort of like Circle of the Moon’s Coliseum only easier. You can use teleport stones after every level and the enemies actually get really easy near the end. Especially the final sets of bosses. The pay off is a really cool throwback to previous games in the series Dual Crush, but it’s not overly strong. In fact the strongest Dual Crush is 1000 Blades which is received fairly early in the game.

The biggest plus for this game is variety of areas. The game of course features Dracula’s castle with it’s relatively standard design and areas. However there are numerous portraits that you must enter which transport the player to several unique zones. The neatest of which are the two “wheel” areas in which the environments slowly turn on their side then upside down as you traverse the area. They don’t actually move, and you always go “down” but the map itself is circular and everything on top is upside down. If that makes sense. I will have to nitpick the areas though, late in the game you unlock a second set of paintings each of which is a flat out revamp of the previous 4 paintings.

Portrait of Ruin is an absolute blast to play. It’s really sad that side scrolling games are slowly going by the wayside. This and previous side scrolling Adventure style Castlevania games show that the genre has a lot to offer. The only real competitor in style, Metroid moved to the third dimension a while back which was a huge loss for the genre. Anyway, I highly recommend this game for anyone with a DS.

Review – Movie – Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children

Nov 21st, 2006

by Ramen Junkie.

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I don’t review too many movies. Generally, I don’t find I have too much to say about most movies I watch so I steer clear of trying to do detailed reviews. However, Advent Children is one movie I found I had a lot to say on, and it’s the sequel to a game I’ve reviewed twice in one of my favorite game series that I’ve done many reviews for, so I’m sort of obligated. I’ll also add, before I get started, that this review contains spoilers for the film, so if you care about having the plot ruined, which the movie does a good job of doing itself, don’t read too much into this. Most of the spoilers are probably fairly minor and vague though if they don’t fall intot he obvious category.

Where to start. I like to go with good points before I get to bad points so we’ll go there. This movie is the most visually impressive and incredibly choreographed movie I have seen to date. It uses a very generous helping of “Game Physics” to accomplish most of it’s stunts, but the reactions and fights betweent he various characters are quick and generally believable. Of particular note are Tifa’s duel with Loz in the church and Vincent’s first appearance. The climactic battle with Bahamut was a bit lame an over the top but not for it’s effects, there are other reasons I’ll cover later why that whole section of the movie pretty much destroys the entire experience.

On the negative, what was up with the whole subplot of the brothers kidnapping the children? What were they using them for? What was the point other than to incite Cloud into attacking them? Maybe that was the point. But if so, why bring them to the town’s circle? It was very unclear. The Geostigma subplot all around was pointless and only served to add needless confusion. Still it’s something that could have been remedied with a bit more cohesion added to the plot.

On the subject of completely pointless. Why did the cast of the game show up at all? Cloud, Tifa, hell I’ll give you Vincent, they are all useful to the plot. They make sense to be there. Cait Sith residing around on Red XIII’s back? Cid and Yuffie? Why are these characters even present? They appear completely out of nowhere, charge around battling Bahamut while mutteringrandom cliché lines (almost all of Yuffie’s lines have the term “Materia” in them somewhere, she’s more obsessed than in the game). Barret makes a vague appearance through Cloud’s cell phone early on and the predominance of Marline could have almost let his presence be allowable to the plot except that it’s overshadowed by the pointlessness of the other characters.

It’s total blatant fan service. The whole movie feels this way. They actually have a fairly decent plot that goes well with the plot of Final Fantasy VII except that it’s bogged down with pointless showy fan service of “This is what a remake of FF7 would be except instead of a game you get a movie!” Cut short that overly long battle against Bahamut and give us a bit more explanation behind our villains.

Speaking of villains, the Turks make a very large reappearance. Reno and Rude are fantastic throughout the entire movie and help to pick up the rest of the slack a lot. They aren’t quite the bad guys this time around, much like in the game. In face, one might even say they are heroes. The other Turks show up for a short bit too. Unfortunately, Tseng and Elena’s appearance only serves as one of the movies largest flaws and plot holes.

In the opening scene, we overhear a radio conversation between Elena, Tseng, and Reno. Elena and Tseng are attacked, we hear the battle but we see nothing since it takes place far below us and in fog. It’s a pretty nice tension effect. Later Kadaj tells off the Turk’s leader, who serves as lame plot hole number 2 but I’ll not go into detail on that. Anyway, Kadaj tells off the Turk’s leader and tosses down the bloody badges of Tseng and Elena. It is strongly implied both have been killed. This is a great plot device and helps show that despite his overly whineyness Kadaj is indeed quite sinister and capable of killing. The fact that the blood on the badges is one of only a couple of points where the movie has any blood makes it all the more apparent, Tseng and Elena are dead.

So what do they do? They show up, much like the rest of the Hero cast, completely out of nowhere to rescue their falling leader, then to stand in a group shot of the Turk’s later on near the end. They don’t say anything in the later half of the game and their return not only makes no sense but it completely kills the relevance of two previous strong scenes.

The writers at Square need to learn that bringing people back from the dead is not a good idea. Hell the writers of Japan need to learn this. Many games and anime unceremoniously bring dead characters back negating the impact of their deaths. Thankfully Aeris does not return. The plot has absolutely nothing to do with reviving Aeris and in fact had a lot to do with Cloud letting go of her and moving on with life (Dilly-dally shilly-shally?). Aeris does make several appearances though through visions. The voice of Yuna is used and it fits extremely well for the character.

While the plot doesn’t revolve around the revival of Aeris, it does revolve around the revival of another key character. The whole movie is essentially an excuse for Square to give us a modern CG battle between Cloud and Sephiroth. While Sephiroth is extremely bad ass in the films final conflict, his presence is poorly explained for anyone who hasn’t played the game.

One last high note. Materia is present in the film, though somewhat lightly. Its use is pretty well done. Instead of joining with weaponry the orbs are merged into the person themselves. There is even a vague explanation as to what they are.

And to keep things balanced, the events revolving around Cloud during the final moments of the film after the final battle are completely needless and stupid. It just comes as a really dumb ending for an overall lame movie. If you watch this film, watch it for the fight scenes. The plot is almost good but it’s filled with so many holes that don’t necessarily need filled but just flat out don’t need to be there.

Review – Transformers – Cybertron – Downshift

Nov 17th, 2006

by Ramen Junkie.

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Transformers have had a pretty low point in their life the last few years. Armada and Energon has some fairly weak toy design in terms of sculpt and articulation. Seriously, what’s up with Armada Hot Shot’s shoulders?

Still, Energon was better than Armada, and Cybertron has been better than Energon. Lately, Cybertron has even been better than itself. The toys are starting to receive joints that make sense again, they have all sorts of neat detailing, they have better alt modes, and better transformations.

One of the latest Transformers released to the market is Downshift. Now, you may remember Energon Downshift who was highly reminiscent of Wheeljack in design and colors. This version of Downshift shows homage only in head design. This 70s style muscle car Transformer more closely resembles Alternators Wheeljack than G1 Wheeljack. And so as far as I’m concerned, this toy can be Downshift, brother of Wheeljack, and Energon Downshift can take the roll of Wheeljack. Confused?

As mentioned, Downshift’s alternate mode is a 70s style muscle car. It’s not styled after any one car but shares elements of the Barracuda, Mustangs, Cameros, and others. It’s colored primarily green with black stripes, hood and soft top. There is some light detailing in the interior of the car as well but they don’t extend below the cut off between the top and body of the car.

The transformation isn’t too complex and the end result is slightly reminiscent of the older styled G1 cars such as Jazz and Prowl. Yet the transformation itself is not all that similar to those old toys. Downshift’s robot mode is pretty solid all around though cut joints in the arms as well as an unhindered neck joint would have helped a bit.

One aspect of the last several lines is gimmicks. Generally, many of the gimmicks involve sticking keys or smaller robots it some orifice on the larger robots to shoot missiles or open claws. Downshift’s cyberkey gimmick causes the grill of his car mode to open up into a sort of claw. It’s effectively neat, especially since it still works when the rear half of the car is folded downwards in robot mode, but it’s not particularly useful for anything cool. The better gimmick is the pair of shoulder mounted missile launchers Downshift includes. They not only give Downshift minicon hardpoints to use but they can be attached to the sides of the car mode for a heavily armed 70s muscle tank look.

Ok, yeah, sticking the launchers on the sides of the car is really dumb and ruins the look of the best vehicle mode ever in the history of Transformers.

Downshift is a really great toy and would make a great addition to any Transformer collection. You might even like it if you’re just big on 70s muscle cars.