Frantic Fantasy
Chapter 1
By Ramen Junkie

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<Cloud looked around the town he had suddenly appeared in.  He had no idea 
how he had gotten there or why he was here.  He noticed that Yuffie, Tifa, 
and Cid were there with him.>

Cid: What the fuck?  How did I get here?!

Tifa: Where are we?  What's going on?

Yuffie: Let's see what kind of Materia we can find.

Cid: Great, I'm stuck in fucking who knows where with this little 
bitch.

Yuffie: You're mean.

Yuffie wanders away from Cid.

Cid: Fine, run away, I hope you fucking die you annoying fucking bitch.

Cloud: Cid, lay off it for a sec would you?

Tifa stops a person walking by the group.

Tifa: Excuse me, could you help us?

Person: I am Arylon, the Dancer!

Tifa: That's nice Arylon, can you tell us where we are?

Arylon: I am Arylon, the Dancer!

Tifa: Yes yes, I heard you.  Can you help us?

Arylon: I am Arylon, the Dancer!

Cid <Grabs Arylon and shakes her violently>: Look fucker, we heard you the 
first God damn time.  We just want to know WHERE ARE WE!

Arylon: I am Arylon, the Dancer!

<Cid pushes the dancer down and runs her through with his spear.>

Arylon: I am Ary... gyuuu....  <Blood oozes from her body.>

Cid: Fucking whore...

Cloud: Could you please control your temper?

Cid: Fuck you.

Cloud: Fine.

<A guard walks by the group and speaks>

Guard: WARRIORS. Revive the Power of the ORBS.

Cid: Why the fuck are you shouting words randomly?

Guard: WARRIORS. Revive the Power of the ORBS.

Cid: This place fucking sucks.

<A woman walks up to them.>

Woman: Please!  Save the Princess!

Cloud: Now we are getting somewhere, what princess miss?

Woman: Please!  Save the Princess!

Cloud <disturbed>: Well that was little help.

Cid: Don't fucking tell me you honestly expected her to say something else.  
This town is full of fucking retards.

Tifa: Let's try that castle. <Points to the castle at one end of the town.>

Yuffie: Maybe they'll have some Materia in there.

Cid: Shut the fu...

<Cloud punches Cid before he can finish.>

Cloud: Shut up yourself.

<The four travel to the castle.  Once inside they are greeted by a guard.>

Guard: The King is looking for the LIGHT WARRIORS.  You don't happen to be 
them do you?

Tifa: I don't think so.

Cloud: Where is this king?

Guard: The King is looking for the LIGHT WARRIORS.  You don't happen to be 
them do you?

Cid: Fuck this...

<Cid sits down at the entrance to the castle.>

Cid: I'll wait here, you find out what's going on here.

Yuffie: I'll meet you back here, I'm going to look for some Materia.

<Yuffie wanders off.>

Cloud: I guess that leaves us Tifa, let's go find the king.

<The pair walk into the castle until the come to a flight of stairs.  They 
climb up the stairs and into the king's chamber.>

Cloud: Oh your majesty.  Please help us, we have somehow come to your world 
and we are in need of some help.

King: LIGHT WARRIORS........ Just as in Lukahn's prophecy.  Garland has 
kidnaped the Princess.  Please help her!!

Tifa: Well that wasn't much help.

Cloud: Should I bother asking him anything else?

Tifa: No, let's go.

<They return to the castle gate and meet up with Cid.>

Cid: Well?  Is the king as much of a fucking moron as the rest of these 
people?

Cloud: It appears so.

Cid: Well fucking great.  Let's blow this place.

<Yuffie runs up to the group.>

Yuffie: You weren't going to leave me were you?

Cid: No, fucking bitch, why would we want to do that.

Yuffie: Cause I found THIS in a vault of some kind.

<Yuffie holds out the TNT which Cid grabs from her.>

Cid: All right, gimmie that.  This could be useful.

Yuffie <starting to cry>: You meanie.  That was mine!

Cid: Well too bad, bitch, it's mine now.

Cloud: Just let him have it, it's not worth arguing over.

Yuffie: But... but...  Oh fine.

<The group sets off into the nearby forest.  They are attacked by some weak 
imps but easily dispatch the creatures.  Soon they arrive at the Temple of 
Fiends.  Cloud, Tifa, Yuffie, and Cid enter the temple, fully confident they 
can handle anything within.>

Could: Boy, where ever we are it sure is full of weak ass monsters.

Tifa: You can say that again.  Those imps were nothing, I could fight them 
all day.

Yuffie: When are we going to find some Materia?

Cid: Shut the fuck up already bitch.

<Yuffie starts crying.>

Cloud: Now look what you did, we gotta listen to this now.

Cid: It's not my fault, the stupid bitch was pissing me off.

Yuffie: You're so mean.

Tifa <To herself>: Ugh, Why do I put up with this?

<Suddenly the group is interrupted.>

Garland: Ho ho!  The light warriors hav... wait, you're not the light 
warriors.  Who are you?

Cloud <Draws his Buster sword>: You're worst nightmare buddy.

Garland: Ho ho!  What amusingly cheep dialogue you have there.  I shall 
enjoy this I think.

Cid: Oh come on, and you call our dialogue cheep?

Garland: Ho ho!  Let us not dwell on it. I, Garland, will knock you all 
down!

<Garland tosses back his cape and draws a sword.  Yuffie continues to cry in 
the background.>

Cid: Gya! I wish that stupid bitch would shut up.

<Cloud charges Garland, who quickly steps to one side.  Cloud crashes into 
the wall instead of his opponent.>

Garland: Ho ho!  I am much better than you it seems.

Cloud: We'll see about that!

Cid <Getting angry at Yuffie's crying>: Fuck that bitch, why won't she stop
 crying?

<Cloud charges again, once again Garland dodges the attack and Cloud ends up 
face first in the wall.>

Garland: We'll see indeed.

<Tifa stands around doing nothing for no apparent reason.  Cid finally gets 
completely fed up with Yuffie's bawling.>

Cid: THAT'S IT!  SHUT UP BITCH!

<Cid reached into his jacket and pulls out the TNT, lights it with his 
cigarette, then he tosses at Yuffie.  Yuffie shrieks at the sight if the 
explosive coming for her, grabs it and throws it to Tifa.>

Tifa: Hey I don't want this!

<Tifa tosses the TNT to Garland.>

Garland:  Hey wait a minute... I don't want this either!

<The TNT explodes leaving Garland kibble all over the room.>

Tifa: Well that takes care of that I guess.  Let's go rescue the princess 
and maybe get out of this world.

<They continue into the next room.  A figure stands in the shadows.  The only
real visiblt details are his huge shoulder pads and spiked helment.  His body
is covered by a long cape.  He is evil.>

Figure: I'm sorry....  But The princess is in another castle....  MWA HA HA 
HA!

Cloud: What the hell?

Cid: Where have I heard that line before...

Yuffie: Did we find any Materia yet?

Cid: Shut the fuck up bitch.

<Yuffie starts crying again, Cloud and Cid start arguing over Cid being too 
mean again and Tifa simply shakes her head.  The figure looks quite 
surprised at this sudden explosion of chaos.>

Figure: Wait!  What are you doing?  Why are you fighting?

All: SHUT UP!

<The figure is quite taken back by this.>

Figure <to self>: This isn't quite going as planned...  Hmm... <Louder, to 
the others> DO NOT ORDER ME!

<The figure unleashes a wave of energy knocking the other four off their 
feet.>

Figure: Now that I have you attention.... again.... which I shouldn't have 
lost in the first place...

Tifa: Get on with it!

Cid: Why the fuck are you even here anyway Tifa?

Figure: SILENCE!

<All are quiet.>

Figure: Now... I have captured you all for a little game I'm playing.  You 
will travel around doing the tasks given to you, and if you don't....

<A circular portal opens revealing Aeris, Cait Sith, Red XIII, and Barret, 
all hanging over a pit on a rope.>

Figure: Or your friends die...

<There is silence.  Then Cloud starts laughing uncontrollably.>

Figure: What's so funny?  What is it?

Cloud: Who cares about them?  Hell I got Tifa now, who need Aeris, and Cait 
Sith, come on, can we say, useless?  Red, well, I don't really need a dog, 
especially one that thinks it's some sort of Indian warrior, and well 
Barret, heck I never liked him much anyway.

Figure: Fools!  You will care or else!

Tifa: Or else what?

Figure: Or else.. uh... you'll never get out of my trap alive!  That is all 
I have to say for now, so step through this portal and on to your next game.

<A swirling vortex opens before them and the figure vanishes.>

Cloud: Well I guess we have little choice.  Cid, grab Yuffie, let's go.

Cid: Can't we leave the stupid winney bitch behind?

Cloud: No, we need to stick together.  Now lets go.

<Cloud and Tifa step through he portal.  Cid picks up Yuffie, who starts 
protesting and beating on Cid's back, and carries her thought the portal.>