A hastily (read: written on the spot about as quickly as possible parody of the Survivor show (which I've never seen) using the FF7 characters. Written because I'm bored and feel like writing something dumb. NOTE: The following contains subject matter that may not be suitable for children. Final Fantasy 7: Survivor By Ramen Junkie Aeris, Tifa, Cloud, Cid, Vincent, Cait Sith, Yuffie, and Red XIII and Barret were all looking over the wreckage of the Highwind. It burned brilliantly as it lay on the beach. "Well fuck, look at my airship!" cried out Cid, who turned and glared at Yuffie, "This is all your fault bitch. I ought to kick your ass." "Why do you always hate me?" asked Yuffie. "Please please, we need to keep our wits people," said Tifa, trying to calm the commotion before it broke out into al out war between the group. "Why is everyone always fighting?" cried Aeris, "Can't we all just be friends? "Fuck you slut, you ain't fooling no one with your little innocent act!" snapped Cid. Aeris turned and started stomping off, "Well then, I'm not hanging around for this abuse." "Aeris, come back, I uh.. we, need you here," pleaded Cloud following after her. "Keep him away from me and I'll stay," replied Aeris. "What's the matter bitch, can't handle the fucking truth?" taunted Cid. "Cid please stop," interrupted Tifa. "Fine then, who wants to head off with me and get some shit done for once? I need to get away from these fuck ups," Cid asked Red, Vincent and Cait Sith. "Fine..." said Red. "Ok, sure," added Cait Sith. "Very well," whispered Vincent. "We'll be back sometime if you're fucking lucky," said Cid as he led the other three off into the nearby jungle. "We don't need you anyway!" yelled Yuffie to Cid. "Whatever bitch." "Well we're stuck on an island it seems, there aren't any edible creatures either," reported Cloud. "Cid and the others have gotten off to who know where and we have no food or supplies. "I'm hungry..." moaned Aeris. "Well it seems we need a source of food. Do we have anything useless that's edible?" asked Cloud to the group. Everyone looked at Barret. *LATER* Aeris, Tifa and Cloud were sitting around a roaring fire eating happily. "Man this is pretty good stuff, I never would have though that this could be so good," exclaimed Cloud between bites. "Yes, if I ever own another bar I'll definitely have to find a way to add this to the menu," replied Tifa. "Say where did Yuffie say she was going again?" asked Aeris. "I forget, she said she had some business with the others or something, I guess maybe she knows where Cid and his little group went." answered Cloud. "Hmm that's odd, Does anyone else hear that?" asked Tifa. Everyone got silent, they could hear a strange sort of moan in the forest. "Must be some sort of bird," answered Cloud. "You're probably right," said Tifa. About 15 minutes later the noise stopped, a little after that Yuffie returned in an unusually happy mood. "Well, what's your problem?" asked Tifa. "Oh nothing, I'm kind of tired though, I think I'll hit the sack," replied Yuffie. She walked off towards a small shelter they had constructed from the Highwind wreckage and went to sleep. *ELSEWHERE BUT NEARBY* Cid and Cait Sith were watching the others from t he edge of the clearing. "Look at those fuckers... they have food and a fire... and I got nothing.. they thing they are so fucking great, they think they are better then me.." rambled Cid. He was no longer wearing his normal clothes, The only thing he was wearing was an animal hide wrapped around his waist. His face was painted with black war marks. Cait Sith had similar markings on the his Moogle body. "Sir," interjected Cait Sith, "I don't recall them ever telling us we couldn't join them in their eating." "No, but they didn't have to, they are completely against us those fuckers. You can see it in their eyes. I'll get them, I'll kill them all and take their treasure!" "Sir, you're scaring me a bit." "You're not against me are you?" Cid raised his spear towards the Moogle. "Uh, no no, it's not like that." "That fucker Vincent was supposed to be with me, remember what happened to him?" "Uh, yes sir, I'll be more careful in the future, where is my blood hound?" asked Cid. "You mean Red sir? He wandered off, said he had some business with one of them," Cait Sith gestured to Cloud's group I the clearing. "That traitor, I'll fucking get him... I'll fucking get them all, if they aren't with me, they're against me! Come now, let us deal with those bastards..." Cid walked out into the clearing followed closely by Cait Sith. He slowly approached the group clutching his spear. "Cid, glad to see you're back, did you find anything useful?" asked Tifa cheerfully. "What's with your get up? Where did the animal hide come from?" asked Cloud. Cid said nothing, when he reached the other three he lifted his spear, cried out and ran it through Aeris who cried out in pain before falling limp. "Aeris! NO!!" cried out Tifa. "Quick, someone try to revive her!" pleaded Cloud. "No..." said Cid calmly, "There is no way to revive Aeris. She is dead, get over it. "You bastard!" cried Cloud reaching for his Buster sword. "No, you are the bastard, I have come to free you... AND ALL WHO OPPOSE ME!" cried out Cid as he jabbed his spear into Cloud's gut. Cloud doubled over and dropped his sword. Cid pointed to Tifa, "Cait Sith my warrior! I command you to rape their women and pillage their supplies!" "Sir, I'd rather not..." replied Cait Sith. "Even if I wanted to I'm just a robot, I'm not ah... equipped for that." "You oppose me?" Cid swung his spear and jabbed it into Cait Sith's Moogles body." "Sir, I don't think that will work," replied Cait Sith looking at the spear protruding from his body." "Damn it! How did you take my holy spear without dying?" demanded Cid. "Holy what? Sir, I believe you are quite divisional, perhaps you should sit down?" commented Cait Sith. "You order me demon? I will destroy you!" cried out Cid, but before he could do anything Barret emerged from the jungle holding an armful of fruit. "What's going on here? What the fuck is this?" "Barret help Cid has gone mad!" screamed Tifa. Barret dropped the food he was carrying and quickly raised his arm gun and fired it at Cid shredding him into little pieces. when he was sure Cid was finished he stopped firing and walked over to Tifa. "Are you ok?" asked Barret. "Yes, it's a good thing you came back when you did," replied Tifa. "Uh, excuse me?" interrupted Cait Sith, "But I have just realized a way off his island, you see, I'm not really here, I can send someone to come pick you up." "Of course, please do!" answered Tifa. "Ok.. done, help is on the way," said Cait Sith. And so the hero's found a way off the island, but what of Red? What was that strange noise in t he night? And did you REALLY think they had eaten Barret you sick monkey?