Review - PS1 - Metal Gear Solid

Snake, can you hear me?
I’m here.
We have a mission of great importance Snake. The fate of the world is at stake.
You sure this isn’t just some sort of elaborate training mission or test
No Snake, this is not some sort of virtual simulation, this is the real thing. We need you to write a review for Metal Gear Solid
Did you say Metal Gear?
Yes, Metal Gear Solid.
Man, Metal Gear, those were the days, no long winded CODEC conversations, just me and my optional radio.
No Snake, not the Outer Heaven mission, we’re talking Shadow Moses. This one’s quite a bit more straight forward and you don’t have to fiddle with all those random keycards this time.
Hmmm, I’m not really feeling up to this. I’m not really much of a talker. Well, unless you want to know about gay vampires. Mostly I let you guys do all the talking while I take cat naps during my missions.
Cat naps? Our nano sensors didn’t detect that.
Nano sensors?
Yes, they give us readings on your vital signs. Also they give us a plot device for a long CODEC conversations and a gimmick to explain why you have a radar in the upper right hand corner.
Don’t most games just kind of blow off the interface as a necessary evil? Why do you need to tell me why there’s a life bar and menu interface?
It better integrates game tutorials into the plot without breaking the overall feel.
That’s pretty cheesy, Isn’t breaking the fourth wall kind of disjointing to the plot in itself? I mean, I don’t really have a Triangle button on me.
Snake, I can’t believe you’d suggest such a thing. We’d never break the fourth wall.
Of course not, we simply bull doze through it and sometimes knock out a bit of the fifth and sixth wall. Press the X button!
I see you like reading reviews on the Internet.
Psycho Mantis? What is this, a convention for Mega Man X rejects?
Your cache tells me you like looking for Squirrel Porn and enjoy playing various other Konami games.
Did someone say Squirrel Porn? I’m a survival expert, I can help you find some if you’d like.
Master Miller, my old trustworthy friend.
I’ll help you out by giving you information about survival tips. By the way, I’m not secretly your clone brother in disguise and the main Antagonist of this game. You can trust your old friend. Nevermind that I was clearly Asian in your last game, no one owns an MSX anyway.
I can always count on you Master. So give me some advice.
Using that SOCOM is easy Snake. Just stick the barrel up in your mouth and pull the trigger. Simple. Guaranteed to help cure headaches you might get from the cold or irritating supporting cast members.
Ok then…

Snake? Snaaaake? SNAAAAAAAAKKKKEEEE!!!!
Boy, that was so much easier than all that elaborate scheming.
That wasn’t much of a review.
Bah, everyone’s already played this game anyway.

This entry was posted on August 13, 2007 at 9:50 am and is filed under Gaming, PC, PSX, Reviews. Tagged: , . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

4 Responses to “Review - PS1 - Metal Gear Solid”

  1. Rob Browning Says:
    August 13, 2007 at 8:07 pm

    This would be perfect if you put Otacon in there somewhere.

    Rob

  2. Bruticus Says:
    August 18, 2007 at 11:30 am

    Balls awesomely funny…

  3. Homyguy Z Says:
    August 21, 2007 at 11:14 am

    Hahahaha, that was fantastic. I agree with Rob, a bit about Otacon would be great, but it’s still awesome.

  4. Reviewing the Collection « Lameazoid.com Says:
    September 10, 2007 at 9:03 am

    [...] to games after.  Some games may end up warranting pseudo reviews as well, similar to the recent Metal Gear Solid review.  I’ve already laid out how I’m doing Back to the Future in this sort of [...]

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